Dear Diary, I’m Pained!!!

Dear diary, something unusual just happened to me. Permit me to vent my anger on you like you were he – my adversary. You’re the only one I can talk about this with because I know you can’t let out my secrets neither can you use them against me.

I can’t believe this. How could you be so heartless? How could you do this to me? And I thought you were my friend. I thought you cared for me as much as I cared about you. I really cherished our friendship. I thought I finally found someone that understands me. Clearly, I was mistaken. It was so wrong of me to have trusted you so.

But how? How was I to know that it was all ruse? How was I to know that you are just another scavenger? Oh! How I fell prey so easily. Maybe it’s my fault after all. How could I have been so gullible? I really hate myself right now. I should have been smarter. I should have held back a little more. I’m a complete idiot. How did I not suspect this?

But you were so nice, so pleasant. You seemed like a good friend. Unlike some others who have several negative opinions about me, you understood me. You broke through my walls and saw the real me. I even called you my best friend forever. Could this be real? I need to wake up from this nightmare. How was I to know you had such evil agenda? Nothing was ominous about you.

I curse the day I met you. That Friday evening at the car park. Had I known how much of a monster you would turn out to be, I would have done things differently. I would have put up my guard. But how could I have suspected? With your smile so innocent and welcoming. No one would have thought you would do this to me. I still remember how cute you looked in that red T-shirt, blue denim trousers and black sneakers. Little did I know that you were soon to become my worst nightmare. 

I should have known better than letting myself out of my shell so easily. I should have known that spending so much time with you would lead me to my doom. I should have known better than to run to your hostel that fateful Tuesday evening when you called.

The events of that evening will live with me forever. I got back from class quite early that day so, I had time to sleep and prepare for night class(which we usually attend together). I had just finished cooking a meal of spaghetti and boiled eggs. Then my phone rang. It was you. I wasn’t surprised as you usually call me at about that time to remind me to prepare for class. But I noticed there was something different about your voice. I asked what the problem was and you told me you fell sick and had to miss classes. I got worried because you hardly miss classes(at least that’s what your course mates say). Immediately, I rushed off to your hostel. “Hey”, I said. ” Hello dear”, you replied with a smile. “Come sit on the bed.” I kept the fruit I bought on your reading table and sat beside you. At first, I thought it was one of your new ways of joking till I started getting uncomfortable. You were coming too close and it soon dawned on me that something wasn’t right. You grabbed me too firmly that it hurt. When you threw me on to the bed, I was so dazed that all I could let out was a frightened “don’t do this please”. I can’t forget how I tried my best to struggle as you yanked off every piece of  my clothing. Nothing ever felt this wrong. It was quite easy for you as I only had a knee length flared dress on. I struggled to no avail. I had so little strength left that I was gasping for breath. I just lay still as you had your way. I couldn’t believe what had just happened. I couldn’t look at your face. Who was I going to tell since it’s you – the one person I confide in – that did this to me? Where do I start from? Should I just end it all?

I staggered to my hostel and had my bath so many times. I wanted to wash your filth off me but I felt even more filthy. I felt defiled and more worthless than trash. I cried till my eyes became red and swollen. I couldn’t sleep that night or the night after. I just kept seeing your monstrous face.

I do not need an enemy if someone I called my friend could do this to me. Is it a crime to have been born female? You tell me, what is my sin?

Posted by Ekele Oriahi